Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thoughts I've been having

A poem I wrote the other day, when my heart was so filled with angst that I thought, 'Best thing to do is get it out.'

I don't know what I want to do.
I feel silly
I really want to get my work done.
But I haven't. And it's my own fault.
Can't blame anyone else.
Then there's my stupid thought process -
I get caught up in silly thoughts so easily
I need to control myself better
I need to tell myself I have better things to do than
lose myself in silly thoughts
which lead to bad intentions
and stupid actions
and unthinkable habits.
It's not acceptable.
I wish I were stronger.
I think I'm stagnating
when I need to be progressing -
because without moving forwards, I'll slide backwards.
There is no standing still.
I'm on an escalator going the wrong way
--- People are pulling me down with them
But I need to get UP
I have somewhere to go;
Something to achieve.
But right now those are just words to me.
I need them to mean something.
I need myself to do something.
Most of all, I need Help.
And I can't get that by doing nothing.
I need to struggle to be able to feel ease
and what is ease if you don't know difficulty?
This morning I woke up
too late.
And I wished so much that I hadn't
been stupid enough to think that it was okay
to sleep
for just a little longer...
The little bit was what I missed it by.
I looked at the time
I looked outside
And I just felt so empty.
There was nothing in me.
I was nothing.
I felt awful.
I had missed my prayers
and I had got my sleep.
And this was how it felt.
This was what I had wasted my time for.
I had wasted my own time. And my own prayers.
And I felt so empty.
Prayer is better than sleep
But just how much better you cannot comprehend.
And a stupid, selfish me
Was too stupid to realise I was harming myself
by trying to rest myself.
I just sat there
Wanting to do nothing but pray
And I realise I was being punished.
There is no second chance once you've missed the first.
You've just got to wait and regret and ask to be forgiven,
And pray your overdue prayers.
You've got to think
Constantly remember
Or you will forget.
And you'll be left with nothing.

No comments: